


Comfort

by TheMightyFlynn



Series: Moments Between and After [3]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Headaches & Migraines, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24143935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMightyFlynn/pseuds/TheMightyFlynn
Summary: When John goes looking for Kaidan for assistance with an upcoming mission, he didn't expect to be the one offering assistance.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Series: Moments Between and After [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653547
Comments: 8
Kudos: 83





	Comfort

**Author's Note:**

> These two are utterly hopeless. :D
> 
> This is the start of me messing with the canon events. Fic is set just after [Late Night Coffee](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23007934), and about three or four days before the lunch date at Apollo's on the Citadel.

The blue light emitting from the datapad in John's hand caused his eyes to ache. Even if he had the brightness turned down to 'save' his eyes, they still ached these days. Chakwas informed him that he was overworking – hell, everyone did – but he had little choice. Someone had to go over these reports, pull all their information together, and try to make it into one cohesive whole. If not him, then who? Scrubbing his hand over his face, he hit the button to call the elevator.

This particular report, if true, had the potential to be a life saver for many people. His mind raced as he traveled slowly down to the third level. If they could manage to pull this off, it would take the pressure off for possibly a couple of weeks, if they were lucky. All he had to do was–

"Hey, Commander."

John's head snapped up as the elevator pulled to a stop, opening to reveal Vega staring at him with an eyebrow raised. He offered a distracted smile as he exited the elevator.

"Vega."

"We've got a poker game set up for later tonight, if you're interested?"

John's eyes flicked down to the datapad, then back up to meet Vega's gaze. He could read the disappointment there already, before it was quickly covered.

"Sorry. I know you're busy."

Vega turned back to the elevator, catching the doors just before they closed. John's eyes scrunched shut as he mentally cursed himself.

_Relax. Calm down. Have some fun._

Everyone had been telling him this for weeks. Months, even. Spending so much time focusing solely on work was detrimental to his mental health. He knew it. He also knew that if he _hadn't_ been so focused on his work, the galaxy would be in much worse condition than it currently was. Surely one night couldn't hurt, though, right? And James had always been friendly with him, even when he hadn't deserved it.

_You will be of no use to anyone if you wear yourself out completely._  
  
"Vega." John watched as Vega's hand slipped between the doors just before they closed again. "What time?"

Vega was grinning at him as the doors reopened properly. "Eight, Loco. Bring your credits."

Warmth spread through John's limbs; a warmth he hadn't felt in a long time. He'd been so focused on exactly what he had to do in order to save as many people as possible for so long that he had simply begun to neglect things. Things like friendships, and his own need for some kind of recreation and human interaction. He grinned back at Vega and nodded.

_Recreation and human interaction._

John scoffed at the thought. The concepts were nearly impossible for him to relate to these days. The past few months, he had been The Commander more often than not. The one people looked up to. The one people came to for help. The one coordinating the effort against both Cerberus and the Reapers.

_The one so stressed you aren't sleeping, and almost permanently have a tension headache?_

He sighed. It was true, and he knew it. 'John' had been disappearing behind his duties more and more often. Jane was the only person he had spoken to about personal things recently, and that had been… three weeks ago? Possibly. There was just so little _time_. If he allowed something to slip, it could all fall apart completely. It was proving impossible to juggle every single one of his duties and have time for himself. If he wasn't careful, though, he knew there would be very little of 'him' left after this was all through. If he even made it through, that is. Shaking his head, he tried to dismiss that particular thought.

After this mission. He would have to give the crew some time off. Go to the Citadel, and just let them have some shore leave. Not that he would know what to do with his free time. Maybe sleep? He let out a breath. He could sort this all out later. This mission was what was important right now.

Tapping the datapad in his hands, he turned and made his way to the starboard observation deck, his mind racing once again. If he was going to get this done, he would need Kaidan's help, he knew. As well as Garrus and… maybe Jack? If he could safely get hold of her. They all had the kinds of contacts that would be needed to complete the mission the way John wanted it. He and Kaidan could work out the team together. The doors slid open silently as John approached.

"Kaidan? I've found – oh."

The room was dark; _completely_ dark. None of the overhead lights were on, and he couldn't even see the glow of a datapad coming from the lounge. Frowning, he lit his omnitool to check the time. The glowing numbers told him that it was close to dinner time, so he figured Kaidan must not be there. The mess hall was the only other place Kaidan really frequented on a regular basis and, considering the time, it made sense. Clenching his fingers around the datapad, he turned towards the door. He was just exiting when a sound stopped him.

It wasn't a loud sound. In fact, if he hadn't still had his mind partially on why Kaidan wasn't in the room, rather than focused completely on the datapad, he was certain he wouldn't have heard it. John's hand came to rest on the doorway, preventing the door from closing. His frown deepened when he heard the sound again. It was quiet, almost like someone sniffing, or maybe sighing. Placing the datapad on a shelf, he stepped quietly back into the room.

Suspicion raced down John's spine. There was, of course, one other reason the room would be as dark and quiet as possible. The strange sniff-sigh came again from the direction of the lounge. It was followed this time by what sounded very much like a low moan. Stepping as quietly as possible, John made his way over to the lounge, bracing himself for what he now knew he would find.

Kaidan sat on the far side of the lounge, curled in on himself. His chest rested on his knees, and his arms were wrapped tightly around them. His eyes were pressed into his folded forearms. The sheer amount of tension in his body caused John's shoulders to ache in sympathy.

"Kaidan," John murmured, moving to drop to his knees before him. His hands hovered for a few seconds, indecision over whether he should even touch him causing him to hesitate. "Have you been to the doctor?"

His left hand settled gingerly on Kaidan's shoulder. When Kaidan didn't object, he squeezed the hand a little, trying to silently encourage him to speak. It took what felt like forever, but it couldn't have been much longer than a minute or two.

"She's got me on something new." Kaidan's voice was rough, and pitched low. His shoulders tensed as he spoke, as though even the effort involved in speaking was hurting him. "Hasn't kicked in yet."

John nodded, despite knowing Kaidan couldn't see him. His mind raced, going through what Jane and Chakwas had told him about migraines over the years. The ones caused by the implants were triggered by something different to the ones that occurred naturally, he knew. They were also treated differently. It obviously differed person to person, but John knew that some things were universal. The dark helped, as did silence. Some people swore by heat packs placed on the back of the neck, others that mint helped. He didn't know exactly what helped Kaidan – other than the dark and silence – which he now silently cursed himself for never asking. He winced when Kaidan's shoulders tensed and he made that strange sound again, which now sounded much more like he was sucking his breath in through clenched teeth. Raising his right hand, he gave Kaidan's forearm a soft squeeze.

"Come on. We need to get you out of here."

"Can't. Bunk's too noisy." Kaidan paused, his entire body tensing as he let out a pained grunt. "Med-bay's too bright."

John let out a soft breath. Seeing someone he cared so much for in this much pain was… Well, it was painful. The fact that he _still_ hadn't had the courage to even tell Kaidan how he felt only compounded the feeling, as it caused him to hold back when he really should have been able to offer more comfort than he was comfortable offering now. Being allowed to touch and comfort Kaidan as he wanted to would have made this so much easier. As it was, he was stuck feeling about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. Pressing his lips together, he sighed.

"Fine. I know of a bed that, as you are so fond of pointing out, rarely sees use these days."

Kaidan tensed again, and this time didn't untense. He sucked in a breath as he slowly raised his head.

"I can't take your bed, Shepard."

John's heart stuttered in his chest. Kaidan's normally bright and alert eyes were glazed, with pain lines fanning out towards his temples. His lips were white at the corners and pressed thin. The deep crease between his eyebrows became much more prominent as he frowned.

"Jesus, Kaidan," John breathed. Moving on automatic, he reached to press his palm to Kaidan's forehead, putting slight pressure just above his eyebrows as he had seen Kaidan doing himself. He smiled when Kaidan let out a soft noise and pushed forward into the touch. "You look like shit."

"Fuck you."

John grinned. His relationship with Kaidan had evolved in such a strange way, but it was good to know that Kaidan felt secure enough with him to tell him off when he was being a bit of a tool. There was no more strict formality when it was just the two of them, which suited John just fine. Feeling like he was on much more stable ground now that he had gotten Kaidan reacting to him, he rocked back onto his haunches rather than his knees.

"You know, _some_ people would reprimand you for speaking to your CO like that, Major."

The breath Kaidan let out sounded amused. "Damn good thing my _friend_ knows when he's being a dick, then, isn't it?"

Chuckling, John absentmindedly rubbed his thumb between Kaidan's eyes, trying to smooth out the pained crease there. "Damn good thing, yeah."

He could hear the warmth in his own voice, and knew that he had to pull back. Their friendship had definitely changed from when they had first been getting to know each other, but there were still boundaries John had yet to push. When he removed his hands from Kaidan and stood, Kaidan let out a sound of protest. Staring groggily up at John from the lounge, he frowned.

"What?"

"How's the vertigo this time?"

Kaidan shook his head, then winced. "I'm _not_ taking your bed, Shepard."

"And _I'm_ not taking 'no' for an answer, Alenko. You need it more than I do right now." When Kaidan's only reaction was to blink up at him, John let out a sigh. Kneeling again, he placed a hand back on Kaidan's shoulder. "I've hauled your ass off a battlefield in full armor twice now. Don't think I won't carry you out of here again."

Silence followed this statement for a few seconds. John could almost see the cogs turning in Kaidan's mind, and so he held his silence, merely waiting him out. Eventually, Kaidan placed a hand over John's on his shoulder and leant forward.

"Fireman's carry or bridal style?"

Grinning again, John gave Kaidan's shoulder a squeeze before standing again. "Bridal style, definitely." He raised his eyebrows. "Get some tongues wagging, huh?"

"Like you need even _more_ rumors spreading about you," Kaidan murmured, almost low enough that John didn't hear him. Before John could respond, however, he continued in the same low tone. "The vertigo's as bad as it ever is. You sure you're up to this?"

Nodding, John decided to let the first comment slide. Holding out a hand, he offered a small smile instead.

"As long as you try not to puke on me, we're all good."

Kaidan grasped his hand. "No guarantees."

John allowed Kaidan to control the maneuver to get him on his feet. Even then, it took them three tries to get him up and relatively steady. John released Kaidan's hand as soon as he was standing and wrapped his arm securely around his waist. They staggered a step or two before John managed to balance them both out, Kaidan leaning heavily on his right shoulder.

" _Fuck_."

"Spinning or falling?"

Kaidan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Falling."

Nodding, John tightened the grip he had around Kaidan's waist, pulling him securely into his righthand side. If Kaidan's vertigo made it feel as though he was falling, John wasn't taking the chance of dropping him if his legs gave out.

"Alright, then. Hold on and keep your eyes closed."

John found himself incredibly thankful that Kaidan was so good at following instructions. With his own arm around Kaidan's waist, and Kaidan having John's left shoulder in a death grip, it was slow going. They made it out and around the lounge without any major mishaps, though. The only drawback John could see was that, by the time they had nearly reached the door, Kaidan was breathing heavily, clearly in more pain than he had been earlier.

"EDI?" John asked quietly, knowing that they were being monitored. "Can you turn off the lights in the hall outside starboard observation, in the elevator, and my cabin, please?"

"Already done, Shepard. The hall is clear and the elevator waiting."

"You're a miracle worker, EDI."

Once they made the elevator, John rested back against the wall with a deep sigh. Kaidan released his shoulder from his grip the second he could reach behind himself to wrap both hands around the railing. John eyed him for a few seconds, watching his chest rise and fall with his harsh breaths, and his eyes wrinkle with the pain. Concern flittered through his chest as he wondered whether moving Kaidan had been such a good idea.

"Hey, talk to me."

"I wasn't in this much pain the times I've been shot."

John blinked. "I was there for at least one of the times you got shot. You passed out pretty quickly."

"Remember the discussion we had earlier about you being a dick?"

Unable to help it, John let out a soft chuckle. "Sorry. Here…" Shifting to a better position, he placed the palm of his left hand gently on Kaidan's forehead, copying the action from earlier. "Better?"

The deep groan Kaidan gave in response was all he really needed to know he had done the right thing. Kaidan leant forward, pressing John's hand into him more firmly. They stayed like that for a few seconds before Kaidan's breathing began to even out. His features began to relax a little, the lines on his face beginning to fade away. Warmth washed through John's chest as he watched, the knowledge that he had been able to help causing him to smile. Even if it was only a small amount of relief for Kaidan, it was _something_.

"Does it actually help?" he asked, genuine curiosity getting the better of him. "The pressure right there?"

Kaidan again took a while to answer. Leaning into the touch, he breathed slowly, seeming to be steadying himself.

"I asked the doctors at Huerta when I was in there. They say…" He paused as his body tensed again for a few seconds. "They say it's psychological. My mom used to do it when I first got the implant. There was nothing else she could do. She…"

John smiled when Kaidan paused. "She gave you a coping mechanism, Kaidan. When you're far from real assistance, this can help. She did quite well, considering she probably didn't know what she was doing." His voice was soft, his mind flicking back to his own mother, wondering just where she and her ship were and if she was safe. "Seeing someone you love in pain and not being able to help at all, it messes with you. She did _really_ well."

The pressure on John's hand lessened as Kaidan turned to look at him. It was impossible to see his expression in the dark of the elevator, but John's heart thudded a little harder anyway. Licking his lips, he took a small step backwards.

"Shepard–"

John shook his head. "Sorry. I, ah…" Removing his hand, he let out a deep breath, realizing he had been coasting way too close to the line between friendship and something else. "I shouldn't be projecting my own shit onto other people. C'mon, let's get you out of here."

He knew EDI was still monitoring them, as the elevator had been sitting with the doors open for a while by that time. When Kaidan flinched at the glow of the fish tank, the light seemed to magically dim.

"Miracle worker," he muttered, earning himself a quiet hiss of a laugh from Kaidan. His stomach fluttered, telling him that, yes, he definitely had to pull back. Spend some time away from Kaidan – and now he was _so_ thankful for Vega and his poker invitation – and sort his head out again. "Here we are."

Getting Kaidan settled on the edge of the bed, John automatically knelt to remove his boots for him. It was a swift process, and John was back on his feet in less than a minute. He scrubbed his fingers over his scalp, unsure if he should say anything else.

"Shepard–"

Fear that Kaidan had sensed something from him other than the want to help a friend, John shook his head. "Get some rest, Kaidan."

"Damn it, Shepard, _stop_."

Kaidan grabbed John's wrist, preventing him from leaving the room. John's eyes closed and his stomach clenched. They had managed to salvage their friendship in the time since Kaidan had been back on the Normandy, and if he had fucked it up by being too forward, or letting on that he wanted more than just friendship, he would never forgive himself. Glancing back, he held his breath.

"You're not even going to give me the chance to thank you for doing this?"

Kaidan's voice was still low, but there was something else to it; something John couldn't pinpoint. John let the breath out as quietly as possible. Frowning, he took a couple of steps backward, bringing himself back in front of where Kaidan sat.

"What?"

Even in the dark of the cabin, John could see the smile Kaidan offered him. It sent a pleasant shiver down his spine, despite his best efforts to repress that kind of reaction.

"Let me thank you, Shepard. There's a place I know on the Citadel. They apparently still have steak; _real_ steak."

John's eyebrows rose. "Real steak? On the Citadel? From an actual cow, you mean, not a varren?"

Kaidan's smile widened. "That's what they say." He sucked in a breath, his hand coming up to press against his forehead, almost as if he couldn't stop himself. "Sorry, I–"

"No, no," John murmured. He stepped forward and placed a hand on Kaidan's shoulder, squeezing gently. "Get some sleep. I'll check in in the morning."

How he remembered to grab his credit chit as he exited the room, John didn't know. With his insides trembling and his heart racing, it was a wonder he had retained the ability to think at all. He had to get over this, he knew. Kaidan wasn't interested in him; not in _that_ way, anyway. It was something he would just have to learn to live with.

His hands clenched and flexed in turn as he traveled down in the elevator, taking deep breaths to try to steady himself before going to meet the others for the poker game. Once the elevator stopped, he glanced up automatically to speak to EDI.

"Lock the elevator from reaching my cabin, will you, EDI? The only ones allowed up there until tomorrow morning are me and Doctor Chakwas."

"Of course, Shepard. I will continue to monitor the Major's vital signs during the night as well."

"Thanks, EDI."

Taking a deep breath, John closed his eyes. He would get over this. He had to.


End file.
